Thursday, January 11, 2007

Jack Bing: Hitman Extraordinaire

I woke up today and asked myself why I was here, what was my point, who was I to be.It was the first time in my life I had done this. I wondered why I was chosen to be this person, why was I the one placed in these circumstances. Giving it a little time, I quickly took a deep breath and jumped in the shower, tossing the thought aside, not exactly wanting to know the answer to these questions. Yet, even as I ran my soapy fingers thru my thick hair, it continued to linger.

Finishing up, I toweled off and put on my clothes, trying my very dearest to forget these life relating thoughts. As I sat at my table, eating my store brand cereal, the question evolved to a much broader aspect with every bite. What is right or wrong?, How do I know this to be true?, Do I have any regrets?, Should I have any regrets?.

I didn't answer any of these questions, instead I hid behind whatever I could, making my way out of my apartment and onto the elevator which connects me to the outside world.

Standing in the back right corner, I patiently awaited the numbers to begin trickling down, still trying to forget these dreadful questions. "Thirty-two,thirty-one", I counted under my breath, when then capsule stopped and its doors opened. With light from a nearby window shining brightly at this most opportune time, into the elevator stepped a goddess in the truest sense. This angel of magnificence waltzed
into my heart in her low-cut miniskirt, and fishnet stockings that would make even the dirtiest harlots blush.

There I stood, twitching in this box which I had feared my entire life, alone, with the most beautiful of heavens creatures. I nervously would glance down upon this brunettes glorious chest, and quickly pop back up every time her eyes wandered my way. Her violet shirt reminded me of things in my child's mind, old cars and trashy songs flooded my now overwhelmed heart. Trying to hide my jitters when she caught me glancing at her breasts, I quickly forced my eyes to the floor, and right upon the most amazing pair of leather boots I had ever seen........I was gone.

My heart beat heavily as the numbers on the screen quickly dwindled down to single digits. I had to make a move, or else I would spend the rest of my life arguing with myself over whether or not she would have obliged to my thoughts. The earlier questions of the day had now been completely erased, and instead exchanged for questions lead by a much lower mind, like "I wonder how long it will take me to get into this girls pants?, or I wonder how many times and what kind of things I can do in this girls pants?". The screen dropped to four, it was now or never, sucking in my gut I turned to her and spoke in the most eloquent way unleashed the wooing majesty that is me..

"Hi, I'm Jack, Nice legs when they open?".............Were the words that drizzled from my drooling mouth like puss from an open wound. At this point in time she gave me a disgusted look and turned away, so I had to go for broke. " Baby, you must be the wind, cause when you walked by, my load blew away."...............Complete and utter silence. The knee buckling, pant constricting, rage of lust that my minds eye had envisioned this girl displaying, had disappeared like smoke from a gangsters car as a Cop drove by.

Not a word was spoken as we traveled the last few floors, the heated passion I had felt burning in my eyes, had been gruesomely murdered and replaced with an extreme aura of complete awkwardness. She didn't even glance my way as she emphatically high stepped her way out of this vessel and out of my life.

Mission result: complete and total failure, I hung my chin to my chest and slowly walked away into an opposite eternity. It had taken one hour of life searching, one shower, three bowls of disfigured Cheerios, a clothing change, thirty-seven floors, and one brunette in killer silver buckled, steel toed boots for me to come to one realization. I, Jack Bing, am a pervert.


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